I, the Backslider
I'm slipping into the dark void of a soul where there is nothingness. The grips of the world are desperately pulling me back, but I'm resisting. What should I do? God had been so good to me, but these voices are telling me that life is much easier as a sinner. From God, the goodness and healing is but a whisper, but it's the evil, the rage, the horror that's screaming at me, "Why don't you listen? You won't have to go through attacks from the enemy. God is your enemy. I am on your side. I am your friend. Walk with me. You won't have to be disciplined by God when you do something wrong. You won't have fear of Him. It will be smooth sailing. You can have the life you want, do as you please without answering to a vengeful God." The screaming is overwhelming - more powerful than the whisper. I sink to my knees in despair and darkness.
Why can't I grasp on to my Savior's hand? Life's situations are coming at me all at once. My childhood, the goodness of my parents, the love, the joy, the happiness, death, divorce, loss, fear, unhappiness; it flows through my mind like a hurricane that willfully scatters people's lives to the four directions. My mind is so cluttered and confused. I try to pray. "God where are you?" and evil answers, "He was never there, it was an illusion, I am your path." These sinful thoughts overpower my prayers.
Temptations are disguising themselves into so many forms. Money. Travel. Gratification beyond all imagination promised evil. I am drawn to the illusion that my greatest material desires can be mine. If only. Some thoughts seem innocent but the root is so deep within me, I know that they can lead to destruction, but yet I still allow myself to weaken and be enticed by these desires. Am I the only one going through this? I feel so alone - is anybody there? Does anybody care? Does anybody feel what I fear?
I'm in a furrow. I've turned away from the Lord. I'm out of focus. The further I go down this road away from my savior, the less that I pray. The less I find myself longing for that whisper. I fear it's no longer possible for me to hear His voice, or guided by His grace. Somewhere along the way I turned to the left and ended up in the condition that I'm in. Do I want to fit into the world and partake of all the "false pleasures" it has to offer?
Oh Lord, I have become a prisoner in the darkness of my soul. I, the backslider, can often be gazed upon and compared to a prisoner held in the dark awaiting death. I am confined. I am lost. I live in physical confinement. Both I and the prisoner are held captive, whether it's by bars or strong emotional grips. I need my God.
Shackles
Look at me now. I'm dealing with problem after problem with no relief - when I think I make one step forward, more trouble comes my way and sits atop the others on my shoulders. I've taken on three new companions. Let me introduce you to "Discouragement". He's been in my mind for a few months now robbing me of all confidence and hope. "Discouragement" appears in everyone's life at one time or another, but he just won't leave me alone. He stays at my side all day long, and haunts me in my dreams throughout the night; I can't get rid of the torment he brings no matter what I try or where I go. There is simply no escaping this demon.
I try to start my day off enthused, but the joy is quickly snatched away. As time passes on, there's a knock at the door of my heart and my second companion "Frustration" enters and makes himself right at home. He waves to his friend "Discouragement" and know He is the one who is weighing my mind down. "Frustration" takes hold and builds all the roadblocks to everything I try to do today. He ensures that my alarm clock doesn't go off, making me late for work. He ensures that the heel breaks on my favorite shoes, the hem comes out of my favorite slacks, and the strap on my purse breaks. I have to change everything twice before I can even get out the door. To make matters worse, traffic is backed up, and I arrive - LATE AGAIN - frustrated!
Now let me introduce you to my third companion, "Failure", who fills what is left of my soul, unleashing constant thoughts of disappointment, panic, dread, fear, and dismay. "Failure" settles in and finds a comfortable nook. He reminds me that all of my plans and efforts of leading a decent life has been hindered at every turn, and the crashes and disappointments are all my own fault - in my mind. Everything and everyone has become an annoyance. Disappointed in myself is an understatement. No matter which way I turn there's no relief. Defeat is branching off. My mind is bound and shackled, like a prisoner walking the last steps to death row.
My heart is heavy ladened. There's a darkness of gloom moving through it. There is no light in my soul; it's as black as the dark side of the moon, and the weight of the universe sits on my shoulders with my three unwelcomed companions. How can I make them leave? Is there any way to escape their constant presence?
My three companions greet my spirit with impassioned and brutal hellos. My mind is taking a beating from "Discouragement", my heart is in agony from "Frustration", and now "Failure" is here to finish me off; constantly reminding me of my lack of discipline in my life. I'm slowly self destructing. I must find a way out of this pitch black well I find myself drowning in.
Breaking Free
Just when I thought I was lost forever, I heard the faint whispering from God. It happened one day when a complete stranger spoke the words "Jesus still loves you" to me. What? It's been so long since I've believed those words, are they true? Is it possible? The mind, so totally discouraged, so dark, saw the faint glistening of a far away light. Like a flash of a firefly in the summer, my mind had the briefest glimpse that God may actually still linger as a faint spark in my soul. My mind that was once so overpowered by the screams of evil began to wonder, can it really be possible?
My heart had been heavy-laden with frustration, but upon the faint impression of Truth began to beat with anticipation just from that minute flash. And the spirit that was saturated with failure was lifting with excitement as the light of God became stronger and becoming alive in my soul.
Those who had been my companions, Disappointment, Frustration, and Failure where fading in the darkness as God's light came upon me and began to engulf me in the pure light of his never-ending love and grace. For the first time in what seemed an eternity, I feel an overwhelming emotion of joy and peace. A peace that had eluded me while in my darkest moments; a joy that had abandoned me while hoping for the happiness I was seeking.
I am breaking free of the shackles of the darkness and find myself running to the arms of the Father, but I hold back. Can my Father still love me after the way that I'd turned away? I talked to God. I actually listened for the whisper of God's voice, and while desperately yearning for a reply, I poured out my soul to the Lord. Will He hear the words from this sinner's heart?
What happened next was truly amazing. I heard the faintest whisper of "Welcome back my beloved". I strained to hear, amazed, afraid that my desire to be back in the arms of the Lord was just another illusion, but I heard that still small voice again "Welcome back my beloved". This time it was stronger, there was no mistaking, I had heard the voice of my God. I'm no longer outcast, my Lord has welcomed me back to His grace, I can feel his love, I can feel the warmth, I can see the light as it flows around me like the mist on the English moors. My God has not forsaken me. My Father explained that He never left, that even though I was the one who tried to turn away from His grace, He was always with me. I am a child of my Father. I am loved. I am whole again. I have broken free of the bond that bound me to the darkness, and I have found the Truth of a loving Father. I have realized God's love once again.
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